Not Good Enough

I got my latest actuarial exam results yesterday. But, I have to tell you a little history first (bear with me):

When I picked up the undergraduate catalogue for Temple University, I read the following as the description for the Actuarial Science program. �The Actuarial Science program is a rigorous one which requires a strong interest in, and aptitude for, applied mathematics. Students whose mathematics scores exceed 600 on the [S.A.T.] or who have demonstrated proficiency in mathematics are encouraged to explore the opportunities in Actuarial Science. Actuaries are professionally trained executives who use mathematical skills to analyze and solve business and social problems related to risk in insurance, risk management, retirement plans, employee benefits, and in financial institutions.�

I did some flipping through the catalogue, but failed to find a single other program describing itself as �rigorous� in its opening sentence, and I gulped slightly. Remembering my 610 on the math portion on the S.A.T., I felt somewhat calmed knowing that I met the basic requirements, although just barely.

The description itself was alarming, even to someone who had accomplished quite a bit academically and felt pretty smart in comparison to his fellow college students. However, I reminded myself that I had been going to college in Texas. Anyone can feel smart in Texas. Trust me, it�s not exactly an accomplishment to put on your resume.

I mainly talked myself out of my intimidation by the time I had to meet with the head of the department at Temple the summer before I was to transfer my two years of college credits to her institution and begin studying under her guidance. It was a small department, so not only would she be the department head, she would be my academic advisor and my professor in multiple classes.

I sat down in her exceedingly cluttered and cramped office and handed her my transcript from Texas Tech University. She skimmed through, looking for math classes I had taken, and said, �I don�t see Calculus I, did you test out of it in high school?� I told her I indeed had, and she made a small, impressed noise in her throat. Her slight smile turned to a grimace as the A�s in Calculus II and Differential Equations lead to a B in Linear Algebra and a C in Calculus III. I explained to her that I had slept through one of three exams and was forced to take a zero, but otherwise I did quite well in Calc III. And, Christ, it�s Calc III� how many people can sleep through a third of their exams and still get a C in Calc III?

I chuckled.

She did not.

She handed the piece of paper back to me, and looked me dead in the eye. �I don�t think you�re good enough to make it here.�

The words were like a punch in the stomach. I couldn�t believe she could be so cruel and so brash and just judge me so readily like that. I went back to my hotel room and began packing my bags for my return flight to Texas, suddenly questioning every decision I�d made to transfer to Temple. The pit in my stomach gave way only in the face of the pain in my fists as I clenched them harder and harder as the anger boiled up in me. �Fucking bitch,� was about as eloquent as I could manage to explain my situation when I called my boyfriend back in Texas to explain.

By the time my flight landed, I had resolved to prove her wrong. I would move to Philadelphia and I would enroll in her program, even if I no longer wanted to, I�d still do it just to prove her wrong � bitch.

My first semester at Temple, I was in her class, a theoretical calculus class that was a review for the first of the professional actuarial exams. She admitted that she was surprised to see me there, and I clenched my teeth in response. I aced every exam, mostly out of the motivation she�d given me to prove just how wrong she was. More importantly, when November rolled around and her students sat for the actuarial exam, I was the only one in the class of 60 to pass it. �I always knew you could do it,� she said. I smiled through clenched teeth in response.

I haven�t always been so successful at these exams. When I failed the third exam last May, I was pretty devastated. I laid on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, and let myself feel stupid and worthless, and I again wondered if maybe that bitch was right, maybe I�m not good enough to make it as an actuary. As I recovered, I picked up the books again and began studying for hours every day. I went to actuarial seminars in Manhattan with SuperGeeks. I drove SP nuts. When I sat for the exam, it didn�t go so well. I was sure I�d failed it again, and the worthlessness and wondering about the bitch being right got even stronger.

Yesterday, the two month wait for results ended and they announced those who had passed. I grabbed my assigned number and went to the website and scanned through the numbers until I found mine.

I passed. I yelled out. I jumped. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I felt smart again.

In about a month, they�ll replace those assigned numbers with our names, and everyone, including certain academic department heads, will be able to read my name amongst those who were �good enough�. I can assure you she�ll be reading my name in her cluttered little office, and she�ll turn to her assistant and say with the slightest hint of disappointment in her voice, �I always knew he could do it.�