d a q g D F design by sweet pea (irate shrimp)

2004-09-04 | 10:25 a.m.

Crack to the Future

I think I finally know whatís missing from my life. A crack habit. Oh, I joke and kid with family and friends every time I walk out the door with a casual, ďBe right back, just gonna go snatch me some crack,Ē which is so much more effective now that Iím working in Manhattan. First time I used that on my two favorite bosses (bosses is the wrong word, lets just say Big Important Peoples), the elder BIP said without so much as a hint of humor in her voice, ďDo you know where to get it?Ē while the other suggested 3rd avenue and beckoned me to bring enough back to share with the class.

I think it was a sign, I think Iím meant to smoke crack. Do you smoke crack, I donít even know. Besides cigarettes, coffee, and vodka, the only drug Iíve ever had was marijuana, which I smoked out of this happy little pipe, so now I imagine all drugs are ingested through happy little pipes. Alas, I absolutely hated marijuana. Every time I tried it I had to get drunk enough afterwards just to escape that creepy someone-slowed-down-the-rotation-of-the-Earth feeling.

So who knows what crack would do to me. But hell, it canít hurt to give it the old college try, you know? Iíve been too depressed for going on a year now to write anything in this diary, and Iím thinking, maybe itís been due to the lack of crack.

I really donít know what the problem is, besides the missing crack. I have a good job, I live in a big beautiful house, I love my boyfriend, Iím healthy, but Iíll be damned if the lack of crack isnít making me more and more depressed by the day.

Something strange and seemingly totally insignificant happened to me a year ago, and I canít figure out why, but it seems as though I havenít been able to get a grip ever since. It was my first day of work in Manhattan. I went out to lunch with 4 guys from the office as kind of a welcome to the company thing. We had a nice lunch, we all had beer paid for by the company, and I felt like I was really hitting it off with them. And this was a major accomplishment for me, not since I was 6 years old have I sat with 4 boys my own age and actually made them laugh and talk with ease and feel comfortable with me. Four girls my own age, no problem. Four boys 10 or 20 or 30 years older than me, no problem. But elementary school permanently destroyed my chances of being friendly with boys my own age.

So, weíre laughing and joking and getting along great, when one of the guys at the table says, ďYou know Bill, the secretary at work, the gay one, or should I say, the Iím-going-to-get-AIDS-and-die secretary.Ē

Oh, and I thought I was going to shrivel up. As each person around me laughed harder than the person before him, I felt like screaming but I didnít. I held it in, and felt my face turn red from anger and shame as I stared into my plate of linguini.

That was the first day at work. Every day since has been high school all over again, where Iíve got this horrible secret and the popularity squad has rejected me, not because theyíve discovered my secret and hate me for who I am, but because I turn red and quiet every time anyone of them tries to talk to me and I end up looking down at my shoes whenever they approach so they canít look into my eyes and guess who I am inside. Now Iím just the awkward guy who no one wants to talk to.

Of course, just like in high school, Iíve found my niche, but I still feel out of place, tripping over my own feet and stumbling over my own words because Iím so afraid of people judging me that I end up acting like a freak, guaranteeing that they will.

I thought 30 years old would feel so different than this. I thought someday I would get over the conviction that everyone around me hated me, but Iím starting to realize that the only thing likely to make that feeling go away is probably a big, steaming, healthy portion of crack.

Now it's your turn... 3 comments so far:

marisa -
"Hey, wanna go smoke some crack?" "Sure, man, then we'll go, you know, kick some puppies and steal walkers off the old and infirm!" I'd like to try and dissuade you from the crack, but a) it's just so ridiculous, and b)sounds like you'd need it to work there. As I sit here listening to Of Montreal sing "Tim I Wish You Were Born A Girl" I can only feel really sorry for people who invite bad feeling into their lives and spread it to others like it's an acceptable thing to do. I'd tell you to confront them and force them to face their life-numbing ignorance, but it's not my style either. I wish it was, tho. I've got a special extra reserve of rage for dead-inside folk like that. Stay strong, man. It's good to hear from you.
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Liz -
Well it's good you found your niche.. but screw the "popular" people... as far as I was ever concerned the popular crowd was just a bunch of people with no real identity of their own.. so they all shared one.. I don't know.. that's how I thought of it in High School.. Look em in the face and give them the finger for being such evil small minded people.... ok maybe not.. could be stooping to their level.. anyway.. don't do crack, makes you twitchy...
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Heather -
Hi. I stumbled upon your diary last year, and loved it. I guess I found I could relate to what you were going through and I liked your open writing style. I don't know why I'm writing you a message other to say that your last entry matches what I'm going through perfectly. I recently started a mba program and am surrounded by these competitive Manhattan business types. Listening to them gossip and tear each other apart behind each other's backs makes me feel like I'm back in high school, or even elementary school. I become the quiet unpopular kid again. I'm rambling, so I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I've also considered starting a crack habit. However, it's more of an amusing daydream than anything I'd actually pursue. Kind of like wishing you could jump in front of a train when you're depressed, although you never actually do.
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