Fishing For Compliments

�We have to face facts, Honey. It may very well be that our son is retarded.�

At first, I had my parents fooled. They even thought I was a gifted child because I started walking much earlier than normal. They probably thought I would be an athlete or something. That alone makes me want to send them another sympathy card. �I�m so sorry you had me,� or �I�m so sorry I turned out this way,� is a typical opening sentence when I send those cards. I was running around the house like mad on my chubby little baby legs, but I wasn�t making much of a racket while doing it. In fact, I�m not sure if I learned to balance a checkbook before I learned to speak, but I bet it was close. As it was told to me, I was about four years old before I said a word.

People tell me that Thomas Edison was the same way. When he was four years old, he said his first words over a meal� �The soup is too cold,� he said. They were astonished to hear a full sentence come from their child who had been so silent up until that point. �Why didn�t you say anything before?� they asked. �I didn�t have anything to say until now,� Edison responded.

I was exactly the same way. Except when I was four, I said, �Taaayyyy Tuuuuuuu,� while a little drool escaped my lips. A complete sentence. Genius was obviously just around the corner.

I was attempting to say, �Thank You,� or, at least, that was what my parents convinced themselves of. Seeing as how I was four years old and hadn�t spoken yet, they thought I was brain damaged due to a high fever and a prolonged illness I suffered from as a baby. Either that or I was incredibly stupid. Either way, they were a little concerned.

Perhaps it�s that my earliest memories, until my eloquent breakthrough, are of being treated by my family as if I was brain damaged, but whatever the reason, I have developed the constant need for validation from others that I�m not stupid. Not only that, I also look to others for clues I�m not really as ugly as I think I am. Maybe I�m feeling funny looking, funny sounding, funny walking, too fat, too scrawny, too lazy, too mean-spirited, too effeminate... When I express to people my fear, I wait for them to deny it, and then I attack them and say they don�t know what they�re talking about. Not only do I want to hear validation that I�m not stupid, I want to argue about it so they have to repeat it and spend even more time convincing me of it.

Some people say I have a low self-esteem, but I tell them I�m just humble.

A friend of mine in high school deliberated on my behavior for some time before finally pointing out to me one day, �You�re fishing for compliments.�

�Maybe if I�d gone to a better school, I wouldn�t be this stupid.�

�If only I weren�t so ugly, I might have a shot at that promotion.�

�I wish my knuckles weren�t so hairy. Do you think that�s a sign of low cognitive abilities.�

I tend to throw out these hideous comments at people, and then perk up my ears and wait for their response, knowing that they�re most likely not going to comeback with, �Oh my god, how did you grow so much hair on your hands, and why didn�t you stop it? Did it happen overnight before you could think to grab the tweezers? What, are your ancestors hobbits or something?�

Have you noticed my profile description? �I want to be David Sedaris, and I won�t stop until I hear someone say, �Hey, you know who you remind me of�?�� Guess what I was striving to accomplish there? I couldn�t even wait and hope someone would mention a similarity, I had to place the cue card directly in their hands and say, �Here, read this like you mean it.�

I guess it�s kind of funny, but it makes me feel terribly guilty at times. I even catch myself sometimes, casting my reel into the waters of the kindhearted and gullible, and I stop myself mid-sentence before I tell them that I used to be really cute until I entered my awkward phase around 3rd grade (and I�m still hoping to grow out of it.)

I suppose I should change my profile, too. But, then again, I�d miss the validation I get from hearing my work compared with David�s. I wish I was a better writer, so I wouldn�t have to beg for the compliment, but given my abilities, I think I should stick with the cue card� don�t you think?